There is actually no way for me to really spoil this one for you either. It is exactly what you expect: Nicholas Cage being awesome, cars, explosions, people getting punched. And it is awesome.
Basically the story goes like this: Nic Cage is John Milton, a dude who died but then came back to dead to rescue his newborn granddaughter, who was stolen by a crazy cult after the leader murdered his daughter. They plan to sacrifice her to Satan on the full moon, which is in 2 days.
So he escapes from Hell, and the Accountant is sent after him to capture him and bring him back. Along the way he sort of makes friends with a lady who was a waitress at the restaurant he stops at when he’s trying to find out where the cult is headed. For some reason she decides to go along with him; really there is no reason other than she’s hot, has a sweet car and on top of the explosions they needed to give guys (and ladies who like ladies I suppose) another reason to watch this movie.
For me the most hilarious part was when I realized that the cult leader is Bella’s dad from Twilight. Once you figure that out you spend the rest of the movie being like “Charlie, no!” Suddenly I have more respect for that guy.
Oh p.s. if you didn’t see this movie in the theatre I feel bad for you because the 3D part was especially hilarious when Milton is boning a lady in a hotel and then the cult shows up to try to kill him. If there is one thing 3D was invented for, it is 3D boobs (see also: Piranha 3D).
In conclusion, if you are into terrible and hilarious action movies you should watch this one because, admit it, you’ve always wanted to see Bella’s dad smear blood all over his face after eating a lady.
Might I also suggest picking up this set, and inviting your friends over to drink beer out of skulls while you watch this.